


I'm terrified(so please for the love of god, don't judge me)

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Breaking down, Hurt/Comfort, Jared represses his feelings, M/M, and emotionally unavailable, because boys are dumb, cursing, it all floods up in the end, pls enjoy!, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:47:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26046772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: "Jared." He says, and this time, it's softer. They make eye contact, for just a tiny bit, and Jared knows that Connor knows that Jared knows that Connor saw the single tear roll down his face. "Jare?"He softly reaches out for his cheek, and makes a circling motion with his thumb.And that' s it.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy
Comments: 9
Kudos: 34





	I'm terrified(so please for the love of god, don't judge me)

Jared doesn't remember the last time he cried in front of someone.

And yes he knows it's kind of funny, the irony of it- constantly beating down other people for being sensitive and letting things out when he's the same way, just better at hiding it. Better at biting it down. Better at making jokes about it.

He' s better at all the things he probably shouldn't be better at.

It hurts, pushing everything down. He's been doing it for so long, he doesn't remember when the last time that he actually spoke to someone about how he was doing.

How he was feeling.

His Mom knows he does this, because apparently he's not very good at keeping quiet when he cries at night, in the spacey silence of his house. She told him that _there was going to be a point where he would break. Told him the cap is going to pop, sooner or later._

He told her he didn't know what she was talking about.

He's gotten better at lying, apparently, too, because she believed him.

He doesn't think he's going to pop off anytime soon. 

He hasn't done it before.

He would like to think he wouldn't. He saw how Evan came to him on one of the nights he, Jared would like to say, ' _cracked_.'

He looked so open and vulnerable and Jared couldn't do anything, anything at all to help him.

He doesn't want anyone to pity him. He doesn't want pity.

But today, there's this pit in his stomach. He thinks it's just. There. And he would like to think that it's just him feeling sick, but it feels like a whole. It's heavy.

And Jared, while he had this apparent hole in his stomach, that had all of his emotions bottled up up up up in, does not need to be with Connor, because he's afraid it's all going to poor out of him.

The thing was, with Connor, not _only_ was he affectionate, but he was understanding. He stayed next to Jared when Jared was being a humongous dick, and called him out on it, too. Helped him apologize to Evan.

Connor opened him up _so_ easily, read him like a book, and after years of building up this apathetic persona, Connor was quickly breaking it down, brick by brick.

That was _terrifying_.

Being seen and known and heard for what he really was, it's scary.

He doesn't really want to admit it is.

But Connor is his boyfriend, and he barely ever gets to spend time with him ever because of his sucky parents, so what was he supposed to say, when Connor just stated he was coming?

Say no?

Normally, Jared thrived to say no. See the joy fall from their face. Finally be able to spend time by himself.

But this was _Connor_. Connor was a hard person to say no to.

Connor shows up to Jared's door, a mumble of ' _Hey, bitch,'_ and Jared playfully answers ' _fuck you too,'_ and they walk to Jared's room.

It's silent.

And Jared knows he should be attempting to act normal, mean and kind of asshole-ish and memey, but that pit is still there and it's stopping him from acting normal.

Normal?

The normal him isn't even really him. Then again, Jared's been keeping up this act for so long, he doesn't even know what he is anymore.

Connor is catching on.

Jared doesn't know what he was thinking, inviting him over while he was feeling like this. Connor was going to leave and never turn back.

Jared was forgettable, like that.

"Jared," Connor starts, and Jared braces for impact, "You feeling okay?"

_No._

No he is not feeling okay. He doesn't remember the last time somebody asked him a question like that, especially with such care and such love and.

Jared wasn't used to being the center of attention for anyone.

He looks away. "Yeah, I'm good." Jared attempts to wiggle his eyebrows. "You-"

" _Jared_." Connor says sternly. "No, you aren't. Talk to me."

Jared feels everything poor out, everything he's worked so, so hard to cover up is slowly bubbling up to the surface and it's hard.

It's hard, trying to choke it all down. Jared rolls his eyes, but barely. Tears are brimming at them, and really, he's trying his fucking hardest to keep them at bay.

"Jared." He says, and this time, it's softer. They make eye contact, for just a tiny bit, and Jared knows that Connor knows that Jared knows that Connor saw the single tear roll down his face. "Jare?"

He softly reaches out for his cheek, and makes a circling motion with his thumb.

And that' s it.

That's all it takes for everything to just come crashing down on him, and hard, and a small sob rips through the silence as Connor brings him closer, rubs circles into his back and it feels so intense, why does something as small as being comforted feel like such a big step?

God, he's _pathetic_.

So pathetic.

Any attention from anyone has him breaking down.

"I don't want to talk." Jared whispers, and he lifts his head to see Connor's stained shirt. "You're.. Such a dick. Making me cry and shit. Fuck you." Jared says, and there's no malice in the way he says it. He can hear Connor giggle, and go 'No, fuck _you_ ,' and he can hear the 'i love you' carefully laced through it.

This is nice.

If Jared wasn't touch starved, he would hug people much more. This was really nice.

"I don't have to talk?"

Connor smiles at him. "No. No, you don't have to."

Jared rests his head on his chest again.

"Okay."

"Okay."

Okay.

Jared doesn't have to talk about it.


End file.
